by Helen
I think during my freshman year of college, in a Political Philosophy class I read that one of the things we must do as active members of our society is always improve ourselves. Or maybe my parents told me that. I don't remember.
Bottom line is - I like that I am always striving to be better. I replay conversations in my mind at night and think of how I could have said something differently and more effectively. I am acutely aware of my mistakes and how I don't want to repeat them. I feel like I am always working hard to be a better girlfriend, person, friend, worker, whatever. And then I feel guilty when I don't accomplish that and repeat mistakes and do whatever else that makes me think that I am taking steps backwards in my development as opposed to forward.
I'm sure there are great merits to this kind of approach but the drawback is - I'm exhausted from it. I am very rarely good enough and therefore feel like I have to work even harder. I am not sure if that's healthy.
The other night, A and I were talking about something and I mentioned that we should try to do that better. And he stopped me and reminded me that life is not one big self improvement project. Sometimes it's ok to just be.
So I'm trying to do just that.
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